The Lakehouse Experiment
by TheNewIdea
Summary: Set in the same universe as Learn to Fly, this a story about camp and more importantly the guys running the camp. For your own safety do not come here for the summer, you are likely to lose a few things, most notably, your sanity and perhaps a limb or two. Contains sexual references, drug references, violence, language, some romantic drama.
1. Prologue

Prologue

That summer changed their lives forever. The summer where a band of misfits, losers and outcasts, became something more than what people saw them as. It was a summer of laughs, a summer of romance, a summer of friendship and a summer that began with the drawing of four names over the intercom of the Cartoon Complex Station in Los Angeles, California.

"Yogi Bear, Scooby-Doo, Iago and Sylvester" the voice called from the cafeteria, "Please report to the reassignment room. I repeat Yogi, Scooby, Iago and Sylvester, report to the reassignment room."

To be called to the reassignment room meant two absolute things: one, you were fired and two, you were reassigned. Scooby sat in one of the office chair, nervously looking around and wondering what it was that he could've done, for the only thing he had done that day was try to get a date with a Golden Retriever and eat lunch with Shaggy, both of those failed miserably, for Shaggy was sick and started throwing up everywhere and Scooby was very bad at talking to girls. Yogi came in minutes later; his signature green hat leaned slightly to one side and tie that was loosely hung around his neck.

Yogi turned to Scooby, "Hey dog, do you know why we're here?"

Scooby shook his head in response, saying nothing. Yogi extended his hand in greeting.

"The name is Yogi Bear friend."

Scooby ignored him, his face completely gazed over.

"Okay fine" the bear said as he drew his hand back, "you don't want to talk. You don't want to talk. I don't care."

Sylvester came in shortly afterwards, wearing a brown fedora and a trench coat, even though it was summer and it wasn't raining.

"What's with the getup cat?" Yogi asked, trying to restrain himself from laughing at Sylvester's ridiculous outfit.

"What this?" Sylvester answered looking himself over as he sat in the chair on the other side of the room, "I get cold easy."

Yogi raised his eyebrows in confusion, "Its summer!" he exclaimed.

Sylvester nodded, "Yeah I know" he said laughing a bit," Old habits never die easy I suppose. I live in a house where the temperature is always 32 degrees."

Yelling could be heard on the other side of the closed door.

"What do you mean reassigned!" a loud, harsh voice screamed, "I can't be reassigned, do you know who I am?"

Bob Iger, the CEO of Disney could be seen on the other side.

"Yes I do" he answered, "And you're getting in that office, one way or another."

Bob Iger walked in the room, holding Iago by his tail feathers upside down.

"Hey what's the big idea" the parrot exclaimed, "put me down!"

Bob shrugged, "Okay Iago. If you wish"

Bob then dropped the bird on the floor. Iago stood up and rubbed his head in pain.

"Fine" he scoffed as he brushed himself, "you win. I'll comply."

Bob nodded as Iago sat down in the fourth chair, next to Sylvester. Standing behind the desk, Bob picked up the phone, "Send them in" he said.

Sylvester and Yogi looked at each other, each bearing the same face of confusion.

"Do you have any idea what's going on?" Sylvester asked Yogi.

Yogi shrugged, "Beats me" he replied, "I'm only doing what I'm told. I didn't ask for anything."

Sylvester nodded in agreement, "Yeah, me too."

Iago sighed annoyingly "Let's just all agree and say that none of us has any idea on what the hell is going on and leave it at that."

Five minutes later, Joseph Barbara and Chuck Jones entered the room. Immediately the four cartoons started asking questions, Scooby spoke first.

"What's going on Joe?" he asked, turning to Joseph.

Joseph shook his head and turned to Chuck, "Should I tell him?"

Chuck shrugged, "Why not?"

Joseph smiled and turned back towards Scooby and the others.

"Chuck, Bob and I have been thinking of ways to promote studio unity."

The four cartoons looked at each other and then at the Joseph.

"Studio unity?" they said in unison.

Chuck nodded, taking over where Joseph left off.

"That's right. The studios have decided to put aside their differences and collaborate."

Iago huffed, "You got to be kidding me right? Are you telling me that I have to work with these guys?"

Bob smiled, guessing that Iago would be the first one to protest and say exactly on what was going to happen.

"We've decided to start a camp" Bob continued.

Yogi, Scooby and Sylvester groaned, now realizing what it was that they were sent to do.

"No, no, no" Sylvester began, "we can't run a camp."

Bob leaned in, "Who said you were running it? You're just the counselors."

This brought a sigh of relief from all of them.

"Good" Scooby answered, "Who's the camp for anyways?"

Joseph, Chuck and Bob began laughing, "That's the part you're going to love Scooby."

Scooby raised his eyebrows, confusion and curiosity fighting over his emotions, "Why?" he answered.

"It's a camp for kids" Chuck replied, "human and cartoon alike."

Silence. The four cartoons looked at each other, then at the three men and back at each other. Then they began laughing controllably.

"Okay guys really" Iago began, "jokes over. You got us."

Sylvester took off his trench coat and fedora, barely able to breathe.

"That was great!" the cat replied, "Tell another one."

Yogi grabbed Scooby in a bear hug, both of them laughing and hanging off each other like they had known each other all of their lives and it wasn't creepy at all.

"We're serious" Bob, Chuck and Joseph said in unison.

All of them stopped and composed themselves.

"Wait, what?" Yogi asked, "You honestly think that humans and cartoons can be in the same place at the same time! They'll rip each other apart."

Bob nodded his head in agreement, "That's where you guys come in."

Iago huffed, "So we are running the camp. You just lied to us."

Bob sighed, "I never said you were running the camp. That's Elmer's job."

Sylvester stopped, not believing what he had just heard, "Wait, Elmer's running the camp! As in Elmer Fudd?"

Bob nodded, "That's right, Elmer Fudd."

Sylvester laughed hysterically, "You might as well cancel this thing right now chief. Elmer's goanna run it six feet in the ground within the first week."

Chuck laughed, "We know that Sly. That's why we're sending you guys."

Yogi and Scooby rolled their eyes, "So we are running this camp!" they exclaimed, "Elmer can't do shit, we'll be stuck with all the work and you know it."

Chuck, Bob and Joseph sighed and pointed towards the door, "You'll be leaving in three hours. Say your goodbyes."

Iago turned around, "Exactly how long are we going to be down there?"

Bob shrugged, "At it stands-three weeks. But most likely it'll be all summer. Perhaps even until Christmas."

All of them stopped, "Christmas!" they yelled, "Are you insane! It's June!"

Before they could get an answer, Chuck, Bob and Joseph closed the door.

Sylvester sighed, "Well it could be worse" he said optimistically.

Yogi, Iago and Scooby stared at the cat, "How?" they replied.

"We could be joining the Army" the cat continued.

At that moment Chuck opened the door holding a file, he turned towards Sylvester and spoke, "Speaking of which-"

Sylvester's eyes grew wide, "Ah shit" Sylvester mumbled under his breath, "I forgot."

Iago rolled his eyes, "What you forget this time?" he asked not really expecting to get an answer.

"I joined the Army" Sylvester responded reluctantly as he signed a form that Chuck gave him.

"What was that?" Yogi asked.

"Dishonorable discharge papers" Sylvester answered, "I flipped off the drill sergeant, had sex with his cat and accidently blew up the boot camp with a Predator missile."

Yogi's face elongated, "You got discharged for that?"

Sylvester shook his head, "No actually. The boot camp was about to be destroyed anyway, the drill sergeant was fired two weeks before I got there and was breaking the law. The cat however..."

Sylvester didn't have to finish his sentence for the others to understand, they had a pretty clear picture in their heads already.

Three hours later, the four of them were waiting at the bus depot. As soon as the bus came up, they were appalled. Rust was everywhere, literally. Stepping inside, they could see that the seats were eaten through. In fact, most of the seats didn't even have cushions, only a metal frame with a piece of cardboard to substitute.

"This is the bus?" Iago asked to no one in particular, speaking for the entire group, who looked on in disgust. The bus driver was none other than Donald Duck.

"Dude did you do this?" Sylvester asked, "Because this looks and smells like shit!"

Donald huffed, clearly insulted, "No! I got sucked into this same as you. My bags are in the back."

Yogi sighed, "So you're coming with us?"

Donald nodded, "Unfortunately, I'm the head consular at the camp."

"What's this place called anyway?" Scooby asked as he took his seat a piece of wet cardboard.

"I believe it's called Lakehouse" Donald answered, "but you want my opinion, Camp Hell."

This got everyone laughing.

"Camp Hell is right" Iago added, "I mean look at this, how pathetic can you get?"

As Donald drove the bus, the others began talking. It wasn't long before they realized that they had absolutely nothing in common with each other. Sylvester was a bird eater, Iago was a bird. Yogi and Scooby were immediately rivals when it came to food and exercise, Scooby believing that exercise was a vital part of life while Yogi simply brushed it off. Donald was indifferent, not really having an opinion on anything, causing the others to scold him for not caring.

"What?" Donald defended, "I have my opinions same as you."

All of them huffed and rolled their eyes, "Which is no opinion?" Yogi mocked

"Really how can you not have an opinion on _anything_?" Iago added.

"That's ridiculous" Scooby and Sylvester continued, "you have to have an opinion!"

Donald was close to snapping. They had been berating him constantly for the past ten miles. Donald stopped the bus.

"Enough" he yelled, causing everyone to stop yelling and listen. "I will not stand for this" Donald continued, "I didn't take this job to be berated and insulted for not having an opinion! I took this job to earn my keep, to get me enough money to go home and be with my family, that's it. I don't care about any of you or you're stupid, egotistical and pointless opinions are. So shut up and sit your asses down or so help me God I will drive this bus over a ravine!"

Iago, Yogi, Scooby and Sylvester could all see that Donald was serious and so stopped talking and sat back down. They were silent for the rest of the way.

When they finally did arrive at the camp, they could see why it was called Lakehouse, mainly because there was a large building at the top of the hill which overlooked a vast, beautiful lake. On the other side of the lake, numerous cabins could be seen. In the field next to the hill were more cabins, these were more extravagant than the ones on the far side of the lake.

"So I'm assuming that these are our cabins?" Yogi asked Donald as he looked at the cabins in the field.

"No" Donald answered, "Our cabins are over there."

Donald pointed to the far side of the lake. Iago and Scooby brought their wings and paws respectively to their faces.

"You've got to be joking!" Iago screamed annoyingly, searching for something to break and finding no success.

"We're living in shacks" Scooby exclaimed, laughing as if he were a crazy person, "we're living in shacks!"

Sylvester had to slap Scooby in the face to get him to calm down.

"Pull yourself together man!" Sly screamed, "We'll survive. Somehow...maybe...screw it, we're dead!"

Grabbing their bags from the back of the bus and heading over to the other side of the lake, the five cartoons ran into Elmer Fudd, who was busy pulling in his line after a long day of fishing. Standing up, Elmer walked over in greeting.

"Welcome to Lakehouse" Elmer said excitingly as he took each of their hands.

"Hello Elmer" they all replied very melancholy like.

"Ah come on" Elmer said reassuringly, "I know it looks bad. But with a good coat of paint, some craftsmanship and creativity this place will look brand new in a week's time."

Yogi nodded eagerly, his change of mood was to, if anything, to get this first day over with.

"Yes sir, right away sir!" he cried, picking up a random paint bucket, a box of nails as he ran towards the cabins.

Elmer laughed, "Now that's the kind of spirit we need around here. Good work Yogi!"

Yogi heard this and immediately threw down the box of nails and hurled the paint bucket towards Elmer,

"Suck my dick asshole!" Yogi screamed as the paint hit Elmer's back.

Elmer turned around, he looked like he was about to blow a fuse, he began speaking his mantra-_Breathe in...breathe out...in...Out..._ Elmer, now calm, walked over to Yogi and slapped him in the face, leaning in, he spoke.

"Don't ever do that again!"

Yogi nodded rapidly, "Sorry sir" he said with a sigh.

The cabins were even worse up close. All of the wood was rotted, the trees had grown up through the floor and surrounding the walls, making the cabins almost uninhabitable. Elmer though, had a plan. He began pairing them up, it was Scooby and Donald, Sylvester and Iago, Yogi was to himself. To each group he gave a shovel, a hammer, a pair of hedge trimmers and a wheel barrel.

"Alright" Elmer began, "we're going to clean up these shitholes. Whoever you're partnered with will be your cabin buddy. You're not allowed to help with another group's cabin and you can't sleep until it's done."

They all stared at Elmer in disbelief; for the amount of work they would have to do to get even one of the cabins done would've taken all day.

"You're serious?" Sylvester asked, "There's no way in hell that we're going to finish this!"

Elmer laughed, "Then I suggest you start working Sylvester. It's supposed to be a cold night."

Elmer then walked away, causing everyone else to look in his direction.

"Where are you going?" Scooby asked almost offended that Elmer was simply going to leave them.

"Me?" Elmer answered, "I'm going to the hill. That's my cabin."

Scooby looked back at the luxurious mansion type building and rolled his eyes. Yogi looked on in desperation, for he was by himself.

"Can you at least help me sir!" Yogi began, "I'm alone out here sir!"

But Elmer had already disappeared towards the hill.


	2. The Best Kind of Friends

Chapter One

The Best Kind of Friends Are the Ones That Want You Dead

Scooby and Donald were the first ones to finish with their cabin, having worked diligently well into the night. The walls of the cabin were made of wood, with the upper half consisting of see through mess all the way round, so there was virtually no privacy to speak of. Setting in their cabin, although a better definition would've been a deluxe shack, Scooby and Donald began to talk.

"So where you from?" Scooby asked as he lay on his cot, trying his best not to think of his situation.

"Don't try to open up to me" Donald said coldly.

"Just trying to make conversation is all" Scooby answered, somewhat hurt.

Donald rolled his eyes, "Like I would want to talk to you. After what you said on the bus, really? You should consider me allowing you to stay in this cabin instead of outside where dogs are supposed to be kept, a blessing in itself."

Scooby gave a soft growl, "There's no need to be so hostile. I was actually trying to be nice."

Donald huffed, "Right sure. You expect me to forgive you. You called me an idiot."

Scooby shrugged, "And?" he pressed.

Donald picked up a small rock and threw it him, "I'm not an idiot, just because I have a few temper issues, don't think through and may or may not have-."

Sylvester and Iago meanwhile, didn't fare much better. Iago nervously preached himself in the rafters of the cabin, staying as far away from Sylvester as possible.

"Will you relax?" Sylvester said annoyingly, "I'm too tried to eat you."

Iago laughed nervously, "What about tomorrow? You won't be tried then, you'll wait until I'm alone in the woods, yeah that's right I know exactly what you're going to do. You'll wait in the shadows, watching me until I let my guard down and then you'll snap my neck!"

Sylvester pulled out a notebook and began writing.

"What are you doing?" Iago continued.

"Writing this down" Sylvester answered eagerly, "This is golden...now what was that last part?"

Iago blinked twice and stared at Sylvester in disbelief, for he was not about to tell him how to kill him, that would be insane. But he figured, if he did tell him, he would never be surprised and could beat Sylvester at his own game. So Iago began to list all of his weaknesses and the things he was afraid of.

Yogi lay down in his cot and pulled out his harmonica. He hadn't played it in what seemed like years, ever since he left Jellystone. He remembered the last time he saw Boo-Boo, how he was almost as big as he was. Yogi remembered Ranger Smith and how sad he was to see him go, but the park was closing down for good and they had to get money somehow. Unlike most cartoons, Yogi wasn't born with the studio, for many years he was just an average bear, he became more than average when Joseph visited the park one day and decided to start shooting his exploits. Yogi officially joined Barbara right before he left Jellystone, and he hasn't been back since.

Yogi stopped, he had been playing the harmonica for a total of ten minutes.

Sylvester looked over from his cabin, "That was beautiful" the cat replied, "You should consider playing a better instrument though, try guitar you'll get more money that way."

Yogi tipped his hat, saying nothing and just started out at the lake.

"What do you guys we're goanna do tomorrow?" Iago asked, looking around.

"I don't know" Scooby replied, "but did you guys see Elmer's pants?"

Donald and Sylvester laughed, "Yeah" Donald replied, "His ass must've been hurting they were so far up!"

Yogi turned towards them, causing everyone to stop. Yogi pulled out a mag light and checked the batteries; he then stood up and walked towards Sylvester's cabin.

"What's up?" Sylvester asked.

"Nothing" Yogi answered, "beautiful night isn't it?"

Sylvester nodded slowly, confused as to why Yogi was standing in the middle of the room, "Yeah. I guess so" Sylvester answered nervously.

Yogi smirked, "Yeah" he continued with a slight grin. Yogi then raised the flashlight and struck Sylvester on the head, drawing blood.

"What the hell!" Sylvester screamed as he held his head with his paws to stop the bleeding.

"Shut up and go to sleep!" Yogi screamed, "I've a long ass day, I'm tired and you're keeping me up with your ridiculous, corny jokes!"

Sylvester stood up and prepared to defend himself if necessary.

"At least I can say I make a living with what I do" Sylvester answered, "All you've ever done is con people out of food for your own personal gain. You're a terrible friend; you constantly put people in danger, namely Ranger Smith and Boo-Boo, to fill your stomach. Have you done anything useful?"

Yogi laughed and swung at Sylvester again, who picked up a nearby umbrella and blocked it.

"Like you're one to talk?" Yogi yelled back, "All you've ever done is chase that stupid bird for what-50 years now?"

Sylvester swung back with the umbrella, causing Yogi to step back towards the door, "I raised a son thank you very much" Sylvester answered.

"Yeah right, that's a laugh" Yogi answered, "Where is he now I wonder? Oh, yeah that's right-jail!"

Sylvester leaped for Yogi, sending them both rolling around in the dirt outside the cabin. Sylvester got on top of Yogi and raised the umbrella high above his head.

"Don't you ever say that again!" the cat screamed as he began beating Yogi, "I did everything that I could to keep him safe. It's not my fault that he screwed up."

Yogi laughed as Sylvester beat him, "Technically it is" he replied, "Considering that he is your son. Ultimately he is your responsibility until he comes of age."

Yogi threw Sylvester off, sending the cat into Scooby and Donald's cabin.

"What's going on out there?" Donald asked sleepily to no one in particular.

"No idea Donald" Scooby answered, also in his sleep, "probably nothing. Now go back to sleep."

Yogi and Sylvester continued to bash and berate each other, eventually ending up inside Scooby and Donald's cabin.

"And that's another thing" Yogi continued, his face bloody from the umbrella, "You're a terrible person in general."

Sylvester laughed sarcastically, "Do you love repeating yourself?" Sylvester replied, "Because we all know that I'm a terrible person"

Donald and Scooby laughed in their sleep, "No we don't" they replied in unison.

Sylvester rolled his eyes, ignored them and continued with his insult as if he hadn't been interrupted to begin with, "Unless of course, you have short term memory loss or brain damage that we should know about."

Yogi shook his head and laughed, "After tonight I think I just might" he answered putting the mag light down.

Sylvester laughed, "I got you pretty good didn't I?"

Yogi smiled, "Yeah. Yeah yah did."

Just as things were about to smooth over, Donald stood up, holding a mallet in his hand and smashing Sylvester with it on the head.

"Shut up! I'm trying to sleep here!" Donald screamed.

Scooby in turn, had a skillet in hand, for he too had been woken up by the ensuing conversation and had had just about enough.

"Alright assholes" the dog said, "That's enough!"

Scooby then lunged for Yogi and the fight had commenced once more.

Yogi countered Scooby with the mag light as best he could, but sufficient weaponry prevailed, eventually rendering Yogi with a broken hand and weaponless. Scooby jumped on top of Yogi and started to bash his head in with the skillet. Sylvester came up on Scooby, hitting him with the umbrella as hard as he could, ultimately breaking it into two pieces.

"No!" the cat cried, "He's mine!"

Scooby got off Yogi and faced Sylvester.

"You wanna go there cat?" Scooby answered, "Because I'll go there, and when I do get there, you're going to wish that I would've stayed right here- because I'm goanna go so far up your ass that you won't be able to sit for a week."

Everyone stopped, Donald was in midair, completely frozen, his mallet raised about to bash Sylvester on the head. Yogi stood up and matched Sylvester and Donald's look of confusion and disgust.

"D-d-did you just say that you were going to rape me in the ass?" Sylvester asked.

"Yeah I did" Scooby answered.

"Is there something you want to say Monsieur?" Donald said, still frozen in midair and mallet raised, his arms were beginning to shake.

"What?" Scooby defended, "oh..."

Scooby began to put the pieces together.

."You think that I'm..."then he started to laugh uncontrollably, "No. I spent a good round in the joint."

Donald unfroze, but having lost his momentum, simply fell to the ground, landing on his stomach.

"_You _did time?" Yogi asked, "For what!"

Scooby shrugged, "Nothing too big. Just a narcotics rap, you know coke, marijuana, that kind of thing."

All of them stared at Scooby in disbelief, finding it difficult to believe that he of all people would do anything illegal

"And that's the beauty of it" Scooby continued, "The less they think of you, the more you can get away with. I was making drugs back in the 1970s with Shaggy back in the Mystery Machine. How do you explain how we ate as much food as we ate? We were constantly on drugs."

There was an awkward silence. For a moment the four of them had forgotten what it was they were fighting about, just as they were about to give up and call it a night, Iago walked out carrying a revolver. Without even bothering to say anything, ask questions or even make himself known, he fired four rounds into each of their legs, sending them all to the ground in pain.

"Shut up!" the parrot screamed, "it's 3:30 in the morning!"

Iago then went back into his cabin and slammed the door.

Sylvester, now in more pain than before, looked at his watch and noticed that indeed it was 3:30 and they were supposed to start camp preparations at 6:00.

"Shit" Sylvester exclaimed as he tried desperately to stand, "we gotha get some rest while we still can."

Donald laughed as he and Scooby entered their cabin, limping and in extreme pain. Sylvester turned towards Yogi.

"Hey Yogi help me-"

Yogi was asleep, for as soon as he hit the ground he had fallen asleep, his right leg bleeding from the bullet he had received and his face covered in scars. Sighing, Sylvester resigned himself to lying in the dirt and prayed that tomorrow would be better. He would be wrong.


	3. Camp Duties from Hell

Chapter Two

Camp Duties from Hell

"Are you kidding me?" Elmer screamed as he lined them up the next morning, Scooby, Pepe, Sylvester and Yogi each covered in bruises, bandages and black eyes. Only Iago was unharmed.

"Can't you guys put aside your differences for two seconds and act civil?" Elmer continued.

"I don't think these assholes will ever get the picture sir" Iago said smugly, causing the others to give 'You are dead to me' looks. Elmer patted Iago's head and held out a cracker, which Iago ate without question, having renewed his fondness for crackers a long time ago.

"There you Iago" Elmer said as he turned towards the others, "why can't you guys be more like him?"

Scooby growled audibly, "Aren't you going to ask about why we had to get bullets pulled out of our legs?" he snapped.

Elmer shrugged, "No. I personally don't care."

Donald huffed, "Well for your information Monsieur, Iago has a gun on camp property."

Elmer rolled his eyes, "So do I. What's the big deal?"

Donald stared at him in disbelief, "Seriously? He's a consular at a camp that going to be surrounded by kids, he shouldn't have a gun on the property. What if someone got a hold of it?"

Elmer laughed at the possibility, thinking that it was impossible, "Come on Pepe. It's not like Iago's going to go on a rampage and start killing us or anything."

Iago laughed nervously, "Yeah...cause I would never do that."

Scooby and Yogi caught on to Iago's sarcasm, trying to see if there was any truth behind it, but finding none.

Elmer pulled out a clipboard and began pacing.

"Now, barring any more interruptions" Elmer began once again, "Perhaps we can get some work done. We have three days to get this place up and running before the kids get here."

Yogi stepped forward breaking the line.

"Yes Yogi, what is it?" Elmer asked, not in the mood for anymore of the bear's games.

Yogi gave a mocking salute.

"I would just like to say sir" Yogi replied, "That I sincerely apologize for my behavior, it will not happen again."

Elmer nodded, "I know Yogi. You're forgiven"

Elmer turned back towards the others

"Now our first order of business-"

Yogi got down on his knees, grabbing Elmer's shirt.

"I throw myself at your feet sir!" Yogi continued, throwing on extra ham. "Lock me in the brig sir!"

Elmer sighed and tried to shake Yogi off him but his grip was strong.

"Get off me Yogi" Elmer pleaded, but Yogi simply ignored him and stood up, trapping Elmer in a bear hug.

"Never again sir" Yogi said, ignoring Elmer completely.

Yogi turned to the others and winked.

"I will be faithful-"

Yogi reached around and grabbed Elmer's keys.

"I will be the truest of true people sir."

Elmer finally pulled away from Yogi, who hid Elmer's keys behind his back.

"That's great Yogi." Elmer exclaimed annoyingly, "Now maybe if we could use your enthusiasm on something besides beating your follow consolers we might actually get some work done."

Yogi snickered to himself and said nothing. Elmer turned back to his clipboard.

"Alright, Iago...You're with Sylvester."

Sylvester huffed, "Of course" he mumbled under his breath.

Elmer gave Sylvester a glare.

"You guys are on fence post duty" Elmer continued, "There's some pretty bad looking fences by the entrance. I've taken the liberty of giving you guys the new fences; you just have to put them in the ground."

Sylvester and Iago nodded and walked away towards the entrance. Elmer turned to Scooby and Pepe.

"You guys are on kitchen detail. We need to start making ready to eat meals for the kids."

Donald gave a confused look, "Won't the food good bad?" the duck asked.

Elmer laughed, "Its camp Pepe. Who gives a shit if the food is eatable?"

Scooby stepped in, "I do" he answered casually.

Elmer glared at him, tilting his head to one side. "Well I don't" Elmer replied, "so get to it." Scooby and Donald sighed reluctantly and headed towards the mess hall.

Elmer finally turned to Yogi, who stood at mocking attention.

"What about me sir?" Yogi asked as he fiddled with Elmer's key behind his back.

"First of all" Elmer began, "give me my keys back."

Yogi rolled his eyes and handed Elmer his keys, not wanting to get a lecture or worse, a beating

"Second of all," Elmer continued, "you're going to be with me."

Yogi groaned, he could only imagine what Elmer had planned for him to do.

"What is it sir?" Yogi said, this time less enthusiastically.

Elmer smiled and motioned for him to follow as Elmer headed towards the large cabin on the hill. Yogi gave an audible gulp from his throat and followed Elmer up the hill.

The mess hall was at the far end of the field next to the hill. The building was made out of wood, just like the other buildings, it's simple A frame style giving it a more homey appearance, making it look like a cabin instead of a mess hall. Inside, the main dining room was long, easily as big as the average auditorium. Able to fit 500 people side by side if they were to line up shoulder to shoulder and have absolutely no breathing room. The floor was made of cold concrete, the walls had mold that spread all the way up to the high ceilings which had rotating fans which did little to circulate the air flow. On the back wall, several fold out tables were seen, most of them were made of wood and partially eaten away like the rest of the camp. It seemed impossible to do. Scooby and Donald ignored all of this and headed for the kitchen.

The kitchen was very similar to a restaurant kitchen, two large stoves and various cabinets made of chrome lined the back wall. In the center was a large counter space that was perfect for cutting onions and other kinds of food preparation. There was even a hole cut in the wall that looked out in the main room.

Scooby and Donald looked around and began opening the cabinets looking for ingredients.

"Let's see" Donald thought aloud to himself, "If I were a frying pan, where would I be?"

Scooby laughed, "Did you really just ask yourself that? The answer is you're a frying pan so why are you even thinking."

Donald rolled his eyes, "It's an expression smartass!"

Scooby however continued laughing, "Well it's a lame expression."

Donald began searching the upper cabinets for anything that could be useful, finding nothing. Scooby opened the pantry to find that it too was completely empty.

"How the hell are we supposed to cook anything without any ingredients to cook with?" the dog asked, hoping for an answer.

"There's nothing here" Donald said, after having searched every possible place for kitchen utensils.

Scooby began to pace, his mind searching for various cooking methods that he had learned from watching cooking shows and the brief time that he experimented with cocaine and heroin, both of those experiences things that he was trying to correct.

"Let's see" Scooby began, thinking aloud, as he began to pace slowly around the room, "if we only had some grass."

Donald laughed as he pulled out a small bag of weed, Scooby gave him a look.

"I was talking about literal grass Donald" Scooby replied, "but-"

Scooby took the bag.

"I'll gladly take that off your hands."

Donald shook his head and put the bag back in his pocket.

"Fair enough" Scooby replied casually, "now go get me some grass, two ounces of lake water and a cell phone."

Donald nodded but then stopped, "What's the cell phone for?" he asked curiously.

Scooby rolled his eyes, "To call an old friend of mine" he answered.

"Who?" Donald pressed.

"Just get me a damned phone!" Scooby barked.

Donald complied, pulled out his cell phone and handed it to the Great Dane.

As soon as Donald left, Scooby dialed in the numbers; on the second ring it picked up.

"Tom" Sylvester exclaimed, "How you've been? Really...three stories and everything? Well that's great. How's Jerry been?"

A long pause, while this was happening Scooby began to pace around the kitchen.

"Oh I see. So you finally went ahead and ate him? You must be heartbroken after all those years- you're not? Really? Well then in that case I need a favor; it's a pretty big one. You think you can handle it?"

Scooby waited for Tom to respond, he casually nodded as he listened to Tom's response.

"So you're pretty tied up right now? Well okay. Nice talking to you buddy, hey get Spike and Butch together we'll have lunch sometime okay? Alright then."

Scooby then hung up the phone, in his head he was shouting every curse word that he possibly think of. Out of ideas the dog simply began knocking over everything that he could see until the kitchen was nothing more than pots, pans and random sliver ware scattered across the floor.

Meanwhile at the entrance of the camp

Iago and Sylvester looked at the fence. The wood was rotting through completely, the termites could be seen crawling on the collapsed pieces, the only evidence that a fence existed there at all was a single post that remained untouched. In a pile next to the fence line were several pieces of various sizes of wood. Iago looked at the long fence line and saw that it spanned all the way down the road to the main highway, it would take them the all day and most of the night for them to even get half of it done.

"This is ridiculous" Iago stated as he sat down in the road, refusing to move.

"There's got to be an easier way" Sylvester said in agreement, "This'll take us all day."

Iago stared at the wood and then at Sylvester, picking up a wood piece, Iago stood up and began knocking down the first post.

"Let's just knock down the fence" Iago suggested. Sylvester smiled and pulled out a mallet and followed suit. The fence was knocked down in twenty minutes.

Walking back over to the lumber pile Sylvester had an idea.

"Hey Iago" he said as he stared at the clearing that was beyond the fence line, "Wanna do a little building?"

Iago raised his eyebrows suspiciously, "What kind of building?" he asked.

Sylvester smiled, "I was thinking, you know what that clearing could use-a fort."

Iago laughed, "That's stupid- so stupid that it's almost worth doing."

Sylvester picked up a wood piece and handed it to Iago, "Good. Now start building."

Iago stared at Sylvester in disbelief, "What! It was your idea to begin with!"

Sylvester laughed, "Yeah, but I'm not good with my hands and you are."

Iago's face became red with anger. Taking the wood piece in his hand he bashed Sylvester on the head, breaking it and sending Sylvester to the ground.

"Last mistake bird" Sylvester screamed as he grabbed Iago at the neck and began choking him.

Iago searched for a second wood piece and upon finding it, smashing Sylvester's head again, but this time Sylvester stood up and picked up his own piece of wood. Long story short, a swordfight began between the two of them.

In the cabin...

Elmer led Yogi into the study, which was covered with books all the way up to the ceiling, which was so high that it had its own chandelier.

"What the hell!" Yogi thought to himself, "This asshole gets a cabin with a study, while we're staying in the shanty houses!"

Elmer walked over to the bay window that looked out towards the lake and spoke, "You're going to organize all these books Yogi."

Yogi laughed, putting a finger in his ear, checking for wax to make sure he heard Elmer correctly.

"I'm sorry" Yogi began, "did you just ask me to organize books? How is that helpful to the camp in anyway?"

Elmer laughed the kind of evil laugh that isn't really an evil laugh but is more a mocking laugh to himself.

"It isn't helpful" Elmer replied, "that's what you get for groveling, you get to do my chores."

Yogi gave a smug smile, "If you think I'm going to organize these books you can go fuck yourself chief."

Elmer kept his smile, this time going bigger, "Don't worry about that Yogi. I already did."

Yogi's eyes grew wide, "Okay, gross...also you're a dick and goodbye."

Yogi made his way towards the door. Before he could leave, Elmer pulled out his signature shotgun and fired a warning shot, stopping Yogi in his tracks.

"And where do you think you're going?" Elmer asked, "Get back here!"

Yogi slowly backed up and turned around, his death stare locked on Elmer.

"You sir" Yogi replied, "Are an asshole!"

Elmer smiled. "Look I don't mean to be pushy." he explained, "I just need these books organized because I'm lazy and have more important things to do than deal with it. So I'm having you do it. Now please Yogi."

Elmer lowered his shotgun. Yogi, taking the opportunity, walked forward and picked Elmer up by the collar immediately throwing him out the bay window. The fall wasn't enough to kill him, but it did break Elmer's arms and give him a concussion, which was just long enough for Yogi and the others to be free of him for the remainder of the week.

Yogi pulled out a lighter and struck it; picking up a book, Yogi burned it and threw the burning book on all the others, causing them all to catch fire within seconds. Yogi walked out of the room, only grabbing the fire extinguisher when the fire had completely burned down and destroyed the study, saving the rest of the cabin from the same fate. Yogi then walked outside to Elmer unconscious body and grabbed his keys.

"Thank you sir" Yogi said as he mockingly saluted and carried him to the bus, leaving him there to rest on the wet cardboard.


	4. Latrines

Chapter Three

Latrines

Yogi gathered everyone at the cabin on the hill. Holding up Elmer's keys he smiled and began to slowly pace around the room, "Gentlemen, you're probably wondering why I called you here?"

All of them shrugged, it wasn't that big of a surprise, for they figured that eventually they would get called back.

"No not really" Scooby answered, looking towards Iago and Sylvester, who each had pieces of wood stuck in their respective feathers and fur, "What the hell happened to you guys?"

Sylvester and Iago pointed to each other, their stares of 'Really it should be pretty obvious what happened' telling the rest of the story.

Yogi ignored them and continued, "I called you guys here to tell you that Elmer is no longer with us."

Donald's eyes grew wide, "You killed him!"

Yogi laughed, "No" the bear said calming him down, "just sent Elmer to the hospital is all."

Donald breathed a sigh of relief and stepped forward.

"In that case" he said turning to Yogi" I'm believe I'm in charge now."

Yogi huffed and rolled his eyes, "Says who?" he asked defensively. "

"Says the duck that is the head consular of this camp and second in command when the manager isn't around," Donald replied, "Says the duck who is about to get really pissed and break your nose with a shovel!"

Yogi started laughing.

"Don't believe me eh?" Donald continued as he turned around, "Your loss Senor."

Donald pulled out a snow shovel, the head was a big as he entire body, it was almost amazing that he was able to lift it at all, let alone hit Yogi on the head with it as hard as he could.

Scooby, Sylvester and Iago stood at attention and turned towards Donald, as Yogi withered on the ground in pain.

"What's our first assignment sir?" Iago asked eagerly, waiting to see what kind of job he would get and hoping that it involved beating the shit out of Sylvester again.

"Follow me" Donald said as he walked out of the building and headed down the hill, Scooby turned to Sylvester.

"Is it me or does Donald seem a little..."

Sylvester nodded, finishing Scooby's sentence, "crazy? Yes. But then again ain't we all?"

Donald led them to the latrines that were next to the lake. Next to the latrines were a long hose and several garbage bags.

"We're going to clean out these latrines" Donald said, looking at the others as Yogi came running up behind them, out of breath.

"You got to be kidding me" Scooby said as he looked over the latrines, they were covered in shit, literally, the smell alone would be enough to wake the dead and then kill them again.

Donald pointed to Iago; "Iago my friend"

Iago gave a loud groan, "If that's your idea of friendship Donald, we're going to have a really estranged relationship."

Donald laughed kindheartedly, "Yes, but right you're the bitch in this relationship."

Iago rolled his eyes, "That's just insulting, both to me and to women."

Donald leaned in and pulled out, of all things a plunger and threw it in Iago's hands, "Yeah but I don't really give a shit. So get to it!"

Iago sighed and walked towards the first latrine, as soon as Iago stepped inside he threw up, the smell was so horrible.

"Holy mother of God!" he screamed, "This is fucking awful!"

Donald laughed from the outside, "Plunge damn it!" he commanded.

Iago turned around towards the closed door, "How the hell am I supposed to clean this with a fucking plunger? It's a latrine!"

Donald shrugged, "Figure it out Iago."

Iago held his breath and did the only thing he could do, hovering above the toilet; Iago dived in the deep hole and began the futile and pointless effort of plunging.

As Iago plunged Yogi tied a rope around the latrine and tied the other end to a large catapult.

"Yogi" Donald said, "What are you doing?"

Yogi laughed as he mockingly saluted and ran over to the catapult, placing his paws on the lever Yogi then turned to Sylvester and Scooby, who immediately shook their heads and sat in the dirt, wanting no part in the sick game that Yogi was playing. Donald walked over to Yogi to try and talk some sense into him.

"Yogi" the duck said, "come on don't do this to him. He's a nice guy-"

Before Donald could finish, Yogi pulled the lever on the catapult, sending the latrine towards the lake.

Iago was just about to fly out of the hole when the latrine shot up in the air, feces and urine immediately went up and covered his feathers, getting into his mouth and causing him to throw up further.

"Shit!" Iago screamed as he made his way out of the hole, but it made little difference, for gravity was against the bird, sending a wall of shit his way.

"This is hell! I hate camp!" Iago exclaimed as the latrine smashed on the bank of the lake.

Donald and the others walked over, Iago stood up, covered in shit and smelling like ten times worse than Donald did on a bad day.

"You alright?" Donald asked, trying to defuse the situation that he unwittingly caused. Iago's face was burning red with anger.

"You!" Iago screamed as he shook himself.

Iago tackled Donald, sending him to the ground and began choking him, "I'm goanna rip off your head and feed it to the dogs."

Scooby huffed, "That's disgusting, won't catch me eating that."

Iago stared at Scooby, "Oh you're going to eat it, you're going to eat or else I'm going to start the neutering."

Silence. Scooby and Sylvester immediately covered themselves.

"Now come on Iago" Sylvester said nervously, "There's no need to do that is there? I mean really, we're all guys here right?"

Iago nodded, "Yeah you're right Sly. We're all guys here. And I can't stand you assholes anymore, all you've done is berate, make fun of me and insult me. What the hell have I done? All I did was walk into work one morning; I didn't ask to be stuck with you idiots for a summer. So let's just do each other favors and stop trying to be friends and leave each other alone!"

Everyone was in agreement; it was just easier if they remained enemies and stop trying to make their relationship anything more than what it was. So they immediately found new ways to hate each other. Sylvester and Scooby realized that they were mortal enemies, for them being a cat and dog respectively, it was only natural that they be at each other throats. Iago and Donald were at odds, mostly because Donald had him clean the latrines every single time from there on out, and every single time, Iago was launched in the catapult. Yogi remained enemy free and so fought with himself, literally Yogi punched himself in the face just so he could feel as if he were a part of this crazy group of consolers who hated each other.


	5. It Only Gets Worse

Chapter Four

It Gets Worse From Here

The day finally came when the other counselors arrived. It was the final day before the campers were scheduled to arrive. Scooby-Doo was waiting patiently on the porch at the Lakehouse, for they had taken to calling the large house on the hill that and renamed the camp, Camp Enfer, which is French for Camp Hell.

"Come on" the Great Dane said to himself as a fly went past his ear, driving him slowly to madness with its constant droning, "when are they going to get here!"

Sylvester walked up to the Lakehouse, carrying a six pack of beer. Sitting it down between them, Sylvester sat on the porch and said nothing. Scooby looked at him, growled slightly.

"You wanna beer?" Sylvester asked.

Scooby rolled his eyes and took one; nervously drinking for fear that Sylvester laced it with some kind of poison.

"Will you relax?" Sylvester continued, "It's clean."

Scooby stopped, "Who the hell do you think I am?" Scooby asked, "You must think I'm really stupid."

Sylvester shook his head, "No. I think you're one of the smartest people here. Think of this as a peace offering."

Scooby laughed, "Peace?' He said sarcastically, "There is no peace, just a calming before a much bigger storm. As soon as those kids arrive, we'll be ripped to shreds, then what?"

Sylvester shrugged, "I guess we'll all just go down together then."

Scooby huffed, "No. You heard Iago; it's easier if we remain enemies. We're kidding ourselves otherwise."

Just then three vans pulled. These were the creepy white rapist vans that you see in the old 1970s movies. Scooby was instantly reminded of the Mystery Machine, for it was basically the same kind of van, just not covered in girly, gay flowers painted on by a super hippy named Shaggy. Out of these vans came the death kneel for Camp Enfer, the other camp counselors. They were-Daffy Duck, Dick Dastardly, Muttley, Foghorn Leghorn, Charlie Tuna and Panchito Pistoles. But that was only the first van, behind it was another van, this one was also full of the rest of the camp staff, all of them were female and for some reason, the studio, having complete disregard for their own personal and safety and sanity, decided to give exact significant others to the counselors, meaning that every guy potentially had a girl, expect of course for Dick Dastardly, who being a straight up Villain was doomed to die alone for all of history.

So in total including our original gang of five, there nine consolers, all of them guys, there were also ten camp staff, these were the managers, administration, activity event leaders and general staff, all female. Nineteen staff members' total, excluding Elmer, so twenty. Camp Enfer was about to get over run, for now not only were the original five fighting amongst themselves, but they also had to fight with five other guys and ten females, all of whom, could barely stand each other. The only ones who going to be civil among this new group of counselors were and Muttley, everyone else joined right in the already boiling feud. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Charlie and Muttley walked over to the porch, for the first time in a long while, Charlie was not wearing his traditional red bandana, instead sporting a green baseball cap and a walking stick. Muttley was wearing a yellow scarf around his neck and a green cap to match it; they looked like Boy Scouts essentially.

"How we doing today?" Charlie asked as he extended his fin to Sylvester and then Scooby, who didn't move to return the greeting, "Okay, not hand shakers that's fine."

Charlie continued as he bowed and removed his hat.

"Charlie Tuna, mascot for Sunkist, at your service. I'll be the consular for the amphibians, the water fowl and the lake loving humans"

Charlie sighed as he remembered a detail that he desperately wanted to overlook.

"Along with...Daffy Duck."

Muttley tapped Charlie's shoulder and smiled weakly.

"Ah" Charlie exclaimed, "sorry about that. Forgot-"

Muttley shrugged and brushed him off.

"This is Muttley" Charlie continued, "He'll be with you"

He pointed to Scooby-Doo.

"He doesn't talk much I'm afraid, but he's a good listener and follows order to the tee."

Charlie leaned in and brought his voice down to a whisper, "Keep him away from Dastardly though. Bad history between them, don't ask he'll only snap and growl at you."

Scooby nodded and walked away, rudely leaving in the middle of the conversation.

Charlie, Sylvester and Muttley looked after him as he walked towards the lake.

"Well, he's in a good mood." Charlie said to no one in particular.

"Don't worry about that" Sylvester answered, "we're all at odds at the moment."

Charlie laughed heartedly, "At odds? Why? You're going to be here a long time, might as well get along."

Sylvester couldn't argue with that logic, to be honest the only reason he was involved at all was so he wouldn't feel left out. He was glad that the others had finally arrived, especially the females, for maybe they could finally calm things down.

Foghorn Leghorn and Panchito were already at each other throats; then again they were odds to begin with.

"You dare yourself a rooster boy!" Foghorn exclaimed, "Why you're about the most insulting, racist, lanky ass, pathetic excuse for a rooster that I've ever seen!"

Panchito laughed, taking Foghorn's words as pure air. "And you Senor" Panchito replied back, "Are lazy, overweight, racist, annoying, loud mouthed and rude! So come on, you want to go? Okay then, let's go. Battle of the Roosters, whoever wins gets whole the henhouse to themselves!"

Foghorn laughed sarcastically at this, it was bellowed laugh.

"If it's a competition you want be prepared to lose" Foghorn continued, "I am perhaps the most perfect specimen of rooster that has ever been created by an animation company. I have personally seen to 756 henhouses, all of them are mine."

"So you're a pimp?" Panchito asked confusingly

Foghorn groaned, for he hated being called a pimp even though for better or worse that's exactly what he was. Now all of this, Foghorn knew, was just for show, he wasn't exactly looking for a sincere relationship which is why he had 756 henhouses under his wing. Barnyard, being Foghorn's voice of reason, continually chastised and berated Foghorn for this, telling him that he needed to find something stable, ironic since Barnyard has never had a relationship in his entire life, something that he was trying to change. But that is a story for another time.

Foghorn punched Panchito in the stomach and let him go on his way, sending the rooster to the ground in extreme pain. Foghorn walked over and introduced himself to Sylvester, which he personally thought was weird considering how they work for the same people. But Sylvester shook this off and continued on his way.

Charlie sighed as he turned to Muttley.

"Come on then, let's get settled in" Charlie said less enthusiastically, dismayed at his cohorts' behavior.

Muttley shook his head rapidly and followed Charlie to the cabins on the far side of the lake. Behind the original three cabins, nestled away in the woods on a small and wild trail, four more cabins were found in a medium sized clearing. These cabins were in even worse condition than the original three, they were completely covered in poison ivy, and kudzu. One even had a fallen tree on top it. These cabins were arranged in a semi circle on the edge of the clearing, in the center of which, a flagpole and a small fire pit could be found. This total scene was what remained of the original staff lodging area of the camp that was before Enfer.

Charlie and Muttley immediately began work on the cabins, wasting no time in clearing the debris, burning the piles and etc. The females meanwhile were getting settled on the other side of the lake in the more luxurious cabins where most of the campers would also be sleeping.

Melissa Duck was busy unpacking her things and helping the others with theirs when Daffy came up, already trying to pull bullshit moves on her.

"So what are you doing tonight?" Daffy asked.

"Same as you" Melissa answered, "Getting ready for the campers to show up tomorrow morning."

Daffy nodded, "Is there...anything that you'd rather be doing?"

Melissa rolled her eyes; she had been in enough relationships to know that guys like Daffy were only interested in one thing.

"Look Daffy" Melissa began causing Daffy to smile, for he did not expect her to know his name.

"Oh good" Daffy exclaimed cutting her off, "so you've heard of me."

Melissa smiled, but it was the hostile off putting smile, "Oh I've heard of you" she continued, "All the girls have."

Daffy brushed himself off, "Really? And what do they say about me?"

Melissa laughed and immediately composed herself, looking Daffy straight in the eyes.

"That you're a womanizing, cynical asshole who only cares about drinking em, banging em and leaving em. You want to know what a real gentlemen is-talk to Charlie; he'll teach you a few things."

Daffy huffed, "What could that tuna fish teach me?"

Melissa shrugged, "Respect, humility, personal hygiene, how to serenade, how to cook, how to clean how to be self efficient. You know, the things that you're not and never will be, that kind of thing."

Penelope Pussyfoot, another one of the camp staff was busy helping a Great Dane out from the van.

"Thank you" she said as she climbed out of the cage.

"Don't worry about it" Penelope answered, "It must be hard having to travel like that."

The dog smiled and shook her head, "No. Not really, although you know what might help?"

Penelope raised her eyebrows, signaling for her to continue.

"What?" she asked.

The dog smiled again, this time it was devious, "Maybe if you weren't such a whore, we wouldn't have to be these cages. You took up half the room in the van, half for you and half because of the 450 pounds of tissues you just threw in the two seats next to you."

Penelope immediately got on the defensive, "Excuse me? Did you just-?"

The dog laughed cutting her off, "It's Georgia sweetheart. And yes, I did. Pepe and Sylvester really? They're nice guys, but one or the other sweetheart."

Penelope huffed, "Pepe broke my heart when he cheated on me. He never really loved me anyway."

Georgia huffed in turn, "And Sylvester? What about him?"

Penelope darted her eyes left and right, "He had a son to support. Sly wanted to take it further, so did I, but our financial situations prevented that. I'm not even sure if he remembers me."

Georgia laughed, "Wow you're the stupidest bitch I've ever met! You let money stop you from happiness? Take the lesser of two evils baby, marry the cat already."

Penelope was about to rip out Georgia's throat when Felicia, a salmon, came up from the other side of the van.

"Listen" she said suddenly, "we've got- oh...right"

Georgia and Penelope simultaneously turned towards Felicia and spoke in unison, "Leave. Now."

Felicia nodded rapidly and ran as fast as her fins would allow. Georgia and Penelope squared off and left without so much as a word, for it was too much in the open for them to have a proper fight, they would wait until dark, you know, because having half as much visibility as you normally would increases your chances of beating the shit out of someone on any given day. Yeah, that'll work out just fine.

Scooby-Doo sat near the lake feeling miserable, he didn't think that the studio would do what was probably the worst idea ever and make it a coed staff. Not like that would've been a problem, but with these guys no work would get done, they would be too busy trying to get laid to even pay attention to the kids. The camp would close down in a week and Elmer wouldn't even be back from the hospital yet. The worst part was that if the camp did fail, all that horrible, meaningless work would've been for nothing.

"This place will go under within the first week" Scooby thought to himself as he watched Charlie enter the lake from the other side near the cabins, apparently searching the lake for any kind of hazard that he should be aware of.

"That tuna will be on the pot in three days time" the dog continued to himself, "Most likely Daffy get to him first. Tuna sound really, really good..."

Scooby shook his head, driving away these thoughts as Charlie approached.

"Lake's clean" Charlie exclaimed as he stepped out of the lake, Scooby immediately looked away, for Charlie wasn't wearing anything in the way of swim gear.

"Really?" Charlie sighed, "I'm a tuna. Come on. If you're going to be like that, then check yourself before you wreck yourself kid, because you're just as guilty as I am."

Scooby huffed, "At least my balls go inside of me every time I sit down. I mean really, look at it."

Charlie looked down and saw his genitals.

"What? We're all animals here aren't we?" Charlie asked innocently.

Scooby nodded his head in agreement, "Yes. But what about the humans idiot! Think man, think!"

Charlie immediately saw Scooby's point and pulled out a small pair of old blue jeans and put them on.

"There" Charlie said, "you happy now?"

"Oh I'm thrilled just thrilled" Scooby replied throwing on extra sarcasm for the sole purpose of being annoying.

"Good" Charlie continued, countering Scooby's sarcasm with seriousness. "Seriously though, you might want to fix that and get yourself neutered."

Scooby huffed and walked away, leaving Charlie once again alone standing on the bank of the lake.

"Was it something I said?" Charlie said aloud to no one in particular, "I have a feeling that he doesn't like me much" he continued, "I'll have to change that."

Muttley emerged from the lake, dressed in scuba gear; he was holding in his paws a hockey mask and a machete.

"Look what I found" Muttley exclaimed, "A hockey mask and a machete."

Charlie rolled his eyes, "Probably just an old Halloween costume someone threw out in the lake. You've seen that movie right?"

Muttley shook his head no.

"You're telling me that you've never seen Friday the 13th?" Charlie continued.

"No" Muttley answered.

Charlie hung his head, "This camp is going to hell already." Charlie exclaimed helplessly, "In fact, I think it just froze over."

Muttley snickered at Charlie's joke and walked back to the cabins, leaving Charlie once again, by himself. Charlie smelled his pits.

"Seriously, what is wrong with me?" he asked as he looked himself over, "Maybe I should do a song and dance routine. One of Michigan's perhaps..."

Charlie looked around to make sure that no one was around and once that was made a certainty he began singing.

"Won't you come over to my house and play like you're my little girl...I'll give you candy a dollar or two, and live at the house cross the way..."

Charlie lifted his hat and threw it up in the air, doing a handstand and catching the hat with his hind legs.

"I'll give candy and sweet things; I'll put your hair in a curl..."

Charlie pulled out his walking stick and stood on top of it, balancing himself with his pinky as the walking stick wobbled left and right.

"So won't you come over to my house and play like you're my little-"

At that moment, the walking stick gave way under Charlie's weight and came out from under him, sending the tuna back into the lake.

Charlie surfaced, spitting out water and most of his dignity.

"Well" he said, "that's the end of that."

As Charlie climbed out of the lake and shook himself off, he was greeted with laughter. Turning around to meet the source he saw that it was Felicia.

"What pray tell is so funny?" Charlie asked.

Felicia was laughing too hard to answer. Charlie was about to walk away when his ear decided to wake up and listen. His ears heard Felicia's continuous laughing and immediately Charlie was taken. His heart began to melt, he could barely see, the only thing he knew was that her laughter was the most wonderful sound in the whole world.

Not wanting to embarrass himself further, Charlie hurried back to his cabin, his heart skipping multiple beats and his breathing sporadic and uneven. He wasn't exactly sure on what this feeling was, for he had never really experienced anything like this before, it took him almost four hours to realize that it was love. Charlie promised himself that before the end of the summer, he would win her over. It would take a lot of effort and time, both of which Charlie had plenty of.


	6. First Impressions Are Important

**Part Two: Welcome To Camp, We're Goanna Scar You for Life!**

Chapter Five

First Impressions Are Important

The moment of doom finally came, the sound that no one, man or animal wants to hear-the sound of annoying, laughing children.

The camp consolers gathered in at the entrance, praying that this would end quicker than it began. Elmer had come back two hours before, he was in a full body cast in a wheelchair, but that didn't stop him from giving out orders.

"Donald straighten this line! What do you think I'm paying you?" Elmer exclaimed as he rolled his way past.

"You're not paying me sir" Donald answered.

"That's right" Elmer said, "I'm not paying you. So get these assholes in line!"

Donald rolled his eyes and got in front of the nine other consolers and began to speak, "Alright guys, listen up. Those kids are going to be expecting the best. The time of their lives, and it's our duty to give it to them in a safe, clean, wholesome environment. Okay?"

Dastardly huffed, "What! That's some bullshit right there. I was told that this was a camp where I could expand my evil genius!"

Muttley gave a threatening glance Dastardly's way, "Keep it up Dastardly. Let's see how far you can walk after I stick a pole up your ass."

"Ahem" a voice said from behind, causing all them to turn around and immediately look down, bringing their eyes to Scrappy Doo, "Ready and able sirs."

Scooby rolled his eyes, "It's Ready, _Willing_ and Able you half pint, no good, lazy asshole."

Scrappy laughed, "Yeah but that's the thing Uncle Scooby" he moved in closer, "I ain't willing and I don't have to listen to anything you have to say you son of a whore, piece of shit."

Scooby and Scrappy continued this way for several minutes, the insults getting worse and worse as the conversation carried on, just as when things were about to come to a breaking point both of them stopped. Scooby smiled as he looked down at Scrappy and began laughing, Scrappy followed suit. This brought several confused looks from Iago, Charlie, Donald and Yogi, who were actually paying attention to what was happening between them.

Yogi stepped over to Scooby-Doo.

"What the hell is going on here?' Yogi asked, wanting a straight answer, "You're confusing us yes you are!"

Scooby shook his head and explained the situation, "During my stint in the joint I may have gotten too comfortable with my word choices. When I got out I was cursing like a sailor, I guess some, or maybe all, rubbed off on Scrappy."

Iago nodded his head slowly as he observed Scrappy.

"Yeah no shit Sherlock." Iago replied, "What'd you do, just keep repeating the same words over and over?"

Scooby laughed, "Yes actually. Took to it like a duck to water."

Sylvester laughed, his eyes falling upon Daffy. Daffy only huffed at the remark.

"Like a duck to water" Daffy mocked, "that's just insulting. Doesn't he know that I can't swim?"

Charlie heard this and turned towards Daffy, "Are you serious? You can't swim! You're supposed to be the aquatics director with me and you can't swim? What kind of duck are you?"

Daffy smiled and answered him, "The kind that is hydrophobic in every sense of the word."

Elmer let out a small groan, shutting them up.

Behind Scrappy was Sylvester Junior, who had made parole and was now clean unbeknownst to Sylvester, Calamity Coyote, Henry Hawk, Road Runner's cousin, Roadie and Stanley, a small tuna with glasses that was almost identical to Charlie. Coming up behind them was a large group of human kids, both boys and girls, of various ages.

Dastardly looked among them, trying to find the ones that would most likely become evil geniuses, he found none and skulked in the background. Elmer smiled as he began to address the masses.

"Welcome, welcome to Lakehouse" Elmer began.

"Uh actually sir" Iago piped in, "It's Camp Enfer."

Elmer stared at Iago confusingly, "Is that French?"

Iago nodded.

"Well what does it mean?" Elmer pressed.

Donald answered for him, "It means Camp Hell."

Elmer's face became red with anger; he turned on all of the counselors.

"What did you do?" he screamed, "Is it so hard to get a camp program together?"

All of them, including those who had recently arrived, nodded their heads in agreement.

"You burned down my study," Elmer continued, "changed the name of the camp, didn't even bother to make food and destroyed my fence line! Can you people do anything right?"

All of them answered in unison, "Nope."

Elmer turned back towards the kids, who at this point were trying to refrain from laughing at the exchange between manager and counselors. Elmer saw this and gave a loud long sigh.

"Fine" he replied, "Might as well go ahead and laugh. Get it out of your system."

All of the kids immediately began laughing directly at Elmer. They were laughing so hard that Elmer was knocked off his feet and pushed towards the lake; this was made worse with the counselors joining in. Elmer screamed for help, but his screams went unanswered. As soon as Elmer splashed inside the lake, the counselors turned towards the kids once again.

The appointed speakers of the counselors were Iago and Sylvester. Stepping forward from the line, they began to address the campers.

"Welcome to Camp Enfer" Sylvester began, "A place where we, your beloved counselors, will strive to teach you valuable lessons in life like-"

Iago chimed in at this part, "Teamwork, how not to get caught drinking, Communication, Universal Brotherhood, Loyalty, Respect, and most importantly we strive to have all of you lose your virginity by the end of this experience that will for the rest of your life be forever etched into your brains as the worst times of your lives."

The kids had virtually no response to this. Calamity stepped up from the crowd and stared at Iago, "What's virginity?" he asked.

Iago, along with the other counselors, laughed, "You'll find out kid" Iago answered, "you'll find out."

After the welcome committee was over, Foghorn headed to the trading post at the end of the lake, for that was his main responsibility. Foghorn was working with Henrietta and Georgia, or rather, he was working under Henrietta and Georgia, for they were the managers of the post, Foghorn was nothing more than the help. Foghorn was not used to following orders, him being a rooster, and so was miserable the entire time when Henrietta began barking orders at him like a drill sergeant. Georgia meanwhile, simply maintained the register and waited patiently for customers to arrive.

Iago and Sylvester meanwhile, were in charge of a small group of humans and Calamity. Between them, Iago was the designated leader, but Sylvester was obviously the more likable of the two.

"Come on guys" Iago said as he flew ahead, "let's go to the post."

Sylvester was taking up the rear, just in front of Calamity. There was a reason why Sylvester didn't want Junior in his group, for one thing he didn't want to play favorites and other was the unnecessary drama that he would undoubtedly cause, and probably still cause, by bringing up Junior's criminal record. Calamity hung his head low to the ground, his glasses hanging off his ears and flopping around against his nose with each step he took.

"Something wrong kid?" Sylvester asked, already jumping into his role as counselor.

Calamity shook his head, "This is my first time away from home" he replied, "I miss my Dad."

Sylvester grabbed Calamity's shoulder, stopping him and inadvertently causing him to fall behind in the group.

"Hey" Sylvester said sweetly, noticing Calamity's tears. "Don't worry. It's not like you're not going to see him again. There's Parent Weekend after all."

Calamity shook his head once again, "One weekend isn't enough Sly. Not when you're here for a whole year."

Sylvester sighed deeply, for he personally found the whole year long camp program thing, to be completely insane. But it all for a good cause he assumed so there must be some reasoning behind it.

"It'll be okay" Sylvester continued, "I'll be here every step of the way."

Calamity looked up at Sylvester for the first time and embraced him as if he were Wile E. himself. Sylvester understandingly returned the embrace and took Calamity's hand, leading him to the trading post.

"I don't care what you say Mister Iago" Henrietta yelled across the room, "You can't simply send all these kids in at once. The place is bursting at the seams as it is, especially with Fatty McFatAss over here."

Henrietta concluded as she pointed to Foghorn who was sweeping the corner of the room.

"I resent, I say I resent that remark!" Foghorn exclaimed in defense.

Henrietta huffed in response, "Maybe if you could stop the broken record, people would actually understand what it is you're trying to say McFatAss."

Foghorn grumbled to himself, "Now see here...you bitch! I did not come here to be belligerently insulted, by the likes of a whore like yourself. I came here to do a service to my community and I intend to do just that."

Henrietta scoffed, "And how?" she said as she moved closer, getting directly in Foghorn's face, "are you going to do that? Hmm..."

Calamity walked over to a book stand and began browsing through the selections, when suddenly, a boy, about 12 years old or so, came up and knocked him to the ground.

"Well, well" he said, "look what we have here? A bookworm dressed like a coyote."

Calamity stood up and brushed himself off, fixing his glasses, "I am a coyote actually" he replied, "Sorry if I got in your way" Calamity extended his hand in friendly greeting, "Calamity Coyote."

The kid only laughed and responded by hitting Calamity in the face, knocking him once again to the ground.

"I'm Oliver" he answered as he spat on the coyote. Iago, having seen the commotion, flew over.

"What's going on?" the parrot asked, "you playing nice?"

Oliver, trying to cover up the incident, pulled Calamity to his feet and brushed the coyote off.

"Yes sir" Oliver answered slyly, "We're going great, Couldn't be better, actually."

Calamity nodded, letting Oliver have his way and went along with the lie, "Yeah" the coyote said nervously, "peachy keen over here."

Iago looked at Oliver and then at Calamity, before heading back to the center of the room to keep tabs on things.

Oliver leaned in, "I'll be watching you kid" he sneered menacingly, "don't go out a night. If you do, I'm beating your ass six feet in the ground."

Iago heard this and immediately turned around, and flew at an unbelievable speed towards Oliver, pushing him to the back wall of the building and effectively pinning him there.

Iago leaned in close to Oliver, "You so much as try and I'm breaking both your legs!"

Sylvester meanwhile, was simply standing at the door, watching the scene unfold. He saw Georgia, Foghorn and Henrietta move, but with the lifting of his hand, Sylvester stopped them.

Oliver quivered in fear, "What are you doing to do?" he asked.

Iago paused in deep thought, before giving his answer, "I'm goanna give you a warning. You ever say that again, to anyone, especially any of the toons here and I will personally see to it that there is one less camper at this camp!"

Oliver began crying, but Iago was having none of it, "Do I make myself clear?"

Oliver nodded his head yes, but Iago pulled on the boy's hair, he wanted a verbal response.

"Yes! All clear sir. Transparently clear sir!" Oliver cried.

"Good" Iago answered, "I don't want to you see you near Calamity again. Now apologize!"

Iago threw Oliver to the ground, causing him to bleed from his nose. Oliver stared at Calamity and said nothing, the coyote, meanwhile looked on partly confused and partly horrified.

Iago swooped down at lifted Oliver's head up to where he was looking directly at Calamity.

"I said apologize you bastard!" Iago screamed into Oliver's ear.

Oliver nodded quickly, "I'm sorry Calamity!" he shouted, "I won't do it again. Do you forgive me?"

Calamity readjusted his glasses and stared at Iago.

"Thank you Mr. Iago" he replied," but that won't be necessary" Calamity extended his hand once more, this time Oliver took it, "for like my father always said, 'There's no better friend than an old enemy.'"

Calamity grabbed a book from the bookshelf and Oliver did the same and both of them moved over to the counter for Georgia to check out their items. Iago moved over to Sylvester.

"I don't like that kid" Iago whispered.

"Yeah I can tell" Sylvester answered, "What do you think about the others?"

Iago smiled, "They're all great. The only bad seed seems to be Oliver. Hopefully we can shake or beat it out of him."

Sylvester nodded in full agreement, "Let's keep an eye on Calamity. It's dangerous for him to be alone in this group."

Iago sighed, "Yeah I know. Why did they do that anyway? Make Calamity be the only one who's alone? I mean the other groups have more toons. Why should he get singled out?"

Sylvester shrugged, "I don't know Iago. Maybe it was just luck. Maybe something else...we'll have to ask Donald about it later."

Iago huffed, "Well I don't like it. Not one bit."

Iago extended his wing to Sylvester.

"What's that for?" Sylvester asked.

"It's a handshake cat. Consider it a peace offering" Iago answered. Sylvester smiled and gladly accepted.

Henrietta, once again, called Iago back over to berate him about how there were too many people in the shop. Foghorn continued sweeping and Georgia was busy at the register. When all was said and done, the post had made its first profit of $250, the kids went away with their belongings and Sylvester and Iago, a new found alliance in protecting Calamity and the other kids from the terror that was Oliver. This was the end of the camper's first day.


	7. Everyone's An Idiot Except You

Chapter Six

Everyone's an Idiot Expect You

Scooby and Muttley's group consisted of Scrappy-Doo, Roadie, and seven humans. Muttley, being the kind of dog who likes to get to know people, actually took the time to learn everyone's name. Besides the two toons, there was George, Milton, Emily, Fester, Amber, Keaton and Hillary. Everyone seemed to relatively get along. But in every group there's always a trouble maker, in this case that was Hillary.

"What the hell is this thing?" Hillary said looking at Roadie, who ignored her for he was busy going over his stamina exercises.

"Okay Roadster" Roadie said to himself, "It's the final stretch of the big race. You have sixty seconds and two miles to cover. In, out, in, out. Faster, stronger, longer, harder."

Hillary laughed as she circled him, "I think it's some kind of chicken."

Roadie heard this and stopped, "Excuse me" he said turning Hillary who had stopped directly in front of him, "but I am not a chicken. I am a Road Runner."

Roadie accidently let out a reflexive burp at the end of his sentence, with a small beep.

"Sorry" Roadie said apologetically, "medical condition."

Muttley called everyone over and the kids got in a line.

"Alright guys" Muttley said, "We're goanna play a game, the name game."

Everyone groaned, even Scooby-Doo.

"Muttley" Scooby answered, "They don't want to do that. No one likes the name game. If we're goanna be doing games, at least let them pick it."

At this Scrappy, Keaton, Emily, Milton and Fester all replied, "Kickball" as their answer. Muttley and Scooby rolled their eyes in the disgust, for this was not going to be that type of camp. Scooby began pacing back and forth, until suddenly he had idea.

Walking over to the catapult Scooby had a smile on his face that was simply radiating with bad ideas. Scrappy, seeing the catapult, mirrored this.

"Oh my God!" Scrappy exclaimed, "You have a catapult!"

Scooby laughed as he pulled it over. "This" Scooby explained, "Is the beginning of a game called Spaceman."

Muttley's eyes wide, for he knew what Spaceman was.

"No Doo" Muttley butted in, "you're not going to launch these kids in the lake. They'll be killed."

Scooby huffed, "I'm taking full responsibility Muttley. So why don't you just sit back and go hump something okay? You'll feel better trust me."

Muttley was not going to stand for this. "No Scooby" he declared, "I will not have these kids launched out of a catapult."

The boys in the group expect for Roadie who was not a fan of heights, immediately began begging Scooby to shoot them with the catapult. Scooby smiled and turned back on Muttley.

"See" he said, "They like the idea. Come on Bumbly have a little fun."

Muttley gave his signature growl, "its Muttley, you twit! Muttley..."

Scooby simply ignored him, "Whatever Bumbly. Now do me a favor, take the kiddies and go back to the playpen and leave the big boys to their fun okay?"

Roadie and Amber looked at Muttley.

"Come on Mr. Muttley" Roadie said trying to get him away from Scooby, for it was clear that he was obviously going to cause problems, "he's not worth it. Let's go."

Muttley huffed and led Roadie and the girls away to do some safe camp activities.

Muttley had Roadie, Amber, Emily and Hillary sit on the bank of the lake, trying to ignore to the best of their ability to flinging of the Scrappy and the others as they took turn hurling themselves through the sky and landing hard into the lake.

"Okay" Muttley said to them, "time we get to know each other. So I'll let you guys pick the game that we play, no Kickball."

Roadie and Amber looked up at the sky, thinking hard about what game they wanted to play, Emily and Hillary however, knew exactly what they wanted to do.

"Makeovers" they exclaimed excitedly.

Muttley and Roadie each gave a long, extremely annoyed sigh.

"Since when in any universe is _that_ a game?" Roadie replied, "We need something that says 'Welcome to camp' not 'Welcome to the slumber party.'"

At the mentioning of slumber party, Emily and Hillary went berserk; they began talking nonstop about all the kinds of party games that they were never going to do.

Amber rolled her eyes, "That's it" she said, standing next to Roadie, who followed her cue accidentally finishing the sentence at exactly the same time that Amber finished it, "I'm surrounded by idiots!"

This was followed by a long awkward stare from both of them; Muttley began whistling to himself, trying to regain control of the situation.

Charlie meanwhile was standing on a floating platform in front of Daffy Duck who was in the lake wearing floaters, next to Stanley the tuna, four humans- Jim, Cassidy, Michael and Irving and Jerry, an octopus. Charlie looked over his group.

"Welcome to Swimming 101" he began. Daffy huffed; obviously embarrassed that Charlie made him actually take the course, instead of teaching it.

Charlie noticed this and turned his attention to Daffy.

"Mr. Duck." Charlie chastised, "Mechanics are all well and good, but until you apply them all you're doing is filling your head with hot air and meaningless words of teachers who take away your money and don't give a damn about your wellbeing."

Daffy rolled his eyes, too angry to retort.

"Once you learn how to swim" Charlie continued, "I will gladly let you teach the dry land portions of the course. Until then, Mr. Duck, you're just like them"

Charlie gestured towards the kids.

"A pupil"

Jerry raised a tentacle.

"Yes Jerry" Charlie said, "Do you have a question?"

Jerry immediately lowered both his gaze and his appendage, causing Charlie to be more pressing.

"Come now, don't be shy. There's no such thing as a stupid question."

This caused Jerry to look up and turn towards Stanley. Jerry then began using sign language; Stanley interpreted his signing to Charlie.

"Jerry's deaf sir. Can't hear a thing"

Jerry continued signing, "He's very good at writing. That's why he spelled his name Mr. Charlie."

Charlie smiled in understanding, "Very good Stanley."

Charlie then turned to Jerry and began signing, having picked it up over an American Sign Language course that he audited in college.

_"You need anything. You come to me, okay?"_

Jerry smiled and saluted Charlie as his answer.

Daffy sighed, annoyed that this so called lesson wasn't going anywhere.

"Can we please just get this over with?" Daffy whined, "I've got kitchen duty tonight and personally I'm not looking forward to cooking for these little bastards that some idiot parent decided to raise."

Charlie gave Daffy a glaring look.

"Mr. Duck!" Charlie yelled, "How dare you? Call these kids bastards and insult their parents who only want to do what is best for them by bringing them here, by having us teach them a little bit of culture! If anyone here is the bastard, it's you. You're pretentious, self centered, annoying, a kleptomaniac and a compulsive liar!"

At that moment however, Scrappy Doo came launching threw the sky, knocking Charlie off the platform and into the lake. Charlie surfaced as quickly as he could to a laughing group of children and Daffy, who was egging them on.

"Look at the squirt" Daffy exclaimed, "He's all wet."

Charlie swam over to him and pulled the plugs out of his floaters causing Daffy to slowly sink to the bottom of the lake.

"Hey what's going on here?" Daffy asked, turning to Charlie, "That's for making fun of me, asshole, I hope you drown."

Daffy shrugged, "Good thing I can breathe underwater."

Charlie rolled his eyes, "I'm surrounded by idiots!" he yelled helplessly, answered by no one.

Scooby laughed to himself as Scrappy came back from the lake, accidently dragging Charlie behind him, for he had somehow wrapped the tuna with his tail.

"Do you mind boy?" Charlie exclaimed as he struggled to free himself, "Release me at once!"

Scrappy huffed, "Yeah, yeah, relax Ms. Nancy. I'm working on it."

Charlie stared at Scrappy as if he were a mental patient, "What is that even a reference to!"

Scrappy laughed to himself, "It isn't" he answered, "It's an insult."

Scooby high fived his nephew and began to undo Charlie.

"Why?" the tuna said to Scooby, who's only response was laughter, "What did I do to deserve this? All I wanted to do was teach these kids some basic principles! To be an effective leader in society, and just what are you doing, Mr. Doo? You're shooting kids through the sky as if you're the Mongols invading China! This is not the 10th Century, we don't catapult children through the sky, we don't curse like sailors and we most certainly do not under _any_ circumstances teach them immoral values like irresponsibility, laziness, and bad social skills."

Charlie took a long deep sigh and continued, causing Scooby to roll his eyes in annoyance.

"You sir are perhaps the worst camp counselor in all of history." Charlie continued, "What kind of sane person, no wait, I'm sorry, what kind of _insane_ person would launch children into a lake! A pedophile homicidal manic that's who!"

Scooby huffed and simply walked away, with Scrappy following behind him, leaving Charlie to trudge his way back to his class. Muttley meanwhile, simply watched in disgust as he saw Scooby walk towards his cabin.

"We got to make him see" he said to himself, "open his eyes again to the real world, the good world. Somehow."

Roadie nodded in silent agreement, for Muttley was actually speaking out loud, "If only Uncle Wile E. and my Dad were here. They'd fix him good."

Muttley stared at Roadie, "Who's your dad?" he asked.

Roadie laughed, "Seriously? Who's my Dad? That's like asking who Daffy is to Donald; I'm Road Runner's kid."

Muttley rolled his eyes, for a moment not believing his own stupidity. Amber walked over and sat down next to Muttley.

"You know for a guy who doesn't talk much, you sure have a lot to say Muttley. Why is that?"

Muttley shrugged even though he already knew the answer, "Never been given the chance before, kid. Now I'm goanna be reaching and screaming out loud."

Roadie stared at Muttley curiously, "What for?" he asked.

Muttley answered him, "Three things: love, respect and friends. So far I don't have any."

Roadie shook his head in disagreement, "That ain't true. You already got those things from us."

Muttley smiled at Roadie's innocence and said nothing, even though it wasn't the kind of love, respect or friends he was hoping for, it was something and that made all the difference.


	8. Cafeteria Food

Chapter Seven

Cafeteria Food

Elmer gathered everyone in the dining hall. Yogi's group was in the front table, Sylvester Junior was in that lot. Donald's table was next; he was stuck with Henry Hawke. Scooby and Muttley had effectively separated as a group and so were split down the middle. Muttley, like before, had Roadie and the girls, while Scooby had Scrappy and the boys. Muttley made sure to sit as far away from Scooby's group as possible, for it was clear that out of all them, they were going to be the troublemakers. Iago and Sylvester's group were in the back. Calamity Coyote sat between the consolers for personal safety, that's not to say that he didn't socialize, for he got along with everyone else save for Oliver, who was forced by Sylvester to sit at the other end of the table, out of view from Calamity.

On kitchen duty was Daffy, Dastardly, Melissa, Felicia, and a female sheepdog named Reydia. As they were preparing the food, Elmer walked up to the podium in the main room and addressed the camp.

"Did you enjoy your day?" Elmer asked

Yogi and Scooby's group clapped in response, Sylvester, Muttley, Charlie and Donald's groups remained silent.

Elmer saw this and turned towards the consolers, "What happened guys?" he asked curiously, "Did you show the kids a good time?"

Muttley stood up, designating himself as the speaker for the three groups.

"Sir" Muttley began, "We did our jobs. We did these kids right."

Muttley pointed at Scooby and Yogi.

"It's those guys. They're the ones who have been neglecting the kids in favor of doing stupid and irresponsible activities just for their own personal amusement."

Yogi stood up in defense, "Excuse me sir. But I did not such thing."

Sylvester, Iago, Charlie and Donald stood up in response.

Donald retorted back, "You took the kids to the firing range."

Yogi shrugged, "What's wrong with that? It's camp. Rifle and archery are like part of camp!"

Donald nodded in agreement, "It's not that." Donald replied, "It's the fact that you selected one of the kids for target practice in archery, placed an apple on his head, firing an arrow which went through his arm! Now he's in the hospital for a week and will probably never come back here all because you decided to do something stupid."

Elmer stared at Yogi and shrugged, "Don't do it again" he said.

Yogi simply smiled and sat down, leaving Donald and the others standing mouths agape, for if it was going to be this easy to break rules and put the campers in danger then there wasn't going to be any campers left by the end of this. Donald turned towards his friends, those who were standing and spoke.

"We have to do something guys. If we don't, well we're basically screwed."

Iago and Charlie nodded in agreement.

"But what can we do?" Charlie asked, "It's not like we can get rid of them."

Donald shook his head, "I don't know. But we're getting nowhere with these guys."

Sylvester began thinking, it was deep and infused with ideas numerous and interesting, all of them plausible but only one of them was really speaking to him.

"I need to make a phone call" he said as he pulled out his cell phone.

"Who you goanna call?" Muttley asked.

Sylvester smiled and sat back down in his spot, "An old friend."

Daffy came out with a triangle and dinged it.

"Come and get your dinner maggots!" he yelled.

The campers, not caring that they had just been insulted and only thinking of food, ran towards the kitchen and formed the beginnings of a line, which in reality was nothing more than a blob. Muttley and Iago tried to straighten them out,

"Really guys, really? Is this how a line is formed?" Muttley scolded, trying to get them to see to reason.

Iago meanwhile was at the front of the line, "Hey will you relax?" he said to one of the kids, "It's not like the food's goanna disappear."

At this Iago was bummed rushed, thrown to the ground and almost trampled to death by twenty kids all for half cooked meat, steamed vegetables from Mexico and old fruit. Donald ran up to the crowd and turned around, he yelled towards them.

"Get back!" he cried, "It's shitty meat, shitty vegetables and shitty fruit. You probably shouldn't even be eating it anyway, so if any of you die from eating this shit don't say I didn't warn you!"

The kids ignored Donald and continued forcing Donald to weave through the crowd of kids and pull Iago to his feet, bringing him back to the safety of his table.

"Thanks man" Iago said to Donald as he sat him down, "Little bastards aren't they?"

Donald nodded in full agreement, "Just need the right kind of simulation is all."

Calamity and Roadie were the only ones who remained at their table, contently waiting for the line to die down. Roadie turned towards Calamity.

"Have you ever been away from home?" he asked rather meekly.

"With or without parents?" Calamity asked for clarification.

Roadie stared at him as if he were an idiot.

"Of course" Calamity added, "You meant without parents. No, this is my first time."

Roadie smiled and patted Calamity's back with his right foot.

"Me too" Roadie replied, "nice to know we ain't alone eh?"

Calamity returned his smile and extended his paw towards Roadie.

"We've haven't been properly introduced have we? Calamity Coyote."

Roadie gave Calamity the same satisfaction, "Roadie, my friends call me Roadster."

Calamity rolled his eyes playfully and laughed, "Can I call you Roadster?" Calamity asked.

Roadie shrugged, "Why not? Like my father always says..."

Calamity knew exactly on what Roadie was going to say, "There's no better friend than an old enemy" Calamity finished.

Roadie nodded, "Yeah that's it! Dad's always saying things like that."

Roadie and Calamity each hung their heads sadly, both of them remembering their respective fathers.

Soon enough everyone was sitting back at the tables eating food save for Calamity and Roadie, who waited too long for the line to die down that there wasn't any food left. Sylvester, Iago and Muttley, taking it upon themselves to care for them offered the coyote and road runner their plates, but Calamity and Roadie refused.

"You guys have to eat too" Calamity said.

"Besides" Roadie added, "We're desert dwellers; we go without food all the time. Do you know how hard it is to get food when you're surrounded by nothing but dirt and cactuses? It's impossible!"

Sylvester, Iago and Muttley laughed at this as they reluctantly began to eat.

Elmer rolled up to the podium again and looking around the room, commanding the attention of everyone in it only to get the occasional glance and nothing more.

"Welcome to camp ladies and gentlemen..."

Elmer looked around and noticed that no one was listening.

"Excuse me" Elmer continued, "Guys...guys!"

Yogi rolled his eyes and walked over. "Relax sir" he said confidentially, "I got this."

Elmer huffed, "Sure you do Yogi. You have everything under control don't you? Yup you're just the everyman's hero aren't you?"

Yogi smiled and fed off of Elmer's sarcasm, "Thank you sir. Now please let me work."

Elmer, seeing no other option, rolled aside. Yogi cleared his throat and gave a deafening roar, causing everyone to turn his direction. Yogi then addressed the crowd.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Campers and Consolers, allow me, Yogi, the smart than the average Bear, to welcome you to the first grand opening of what will be the rest of your life for an entire year."

Scooby stood up and turned towards Yogi, "We already did this. This morning remember?"

Yogi sighed, "Yes we did" he said, "But this it's different. So sit down and hold your balls for a minute and let me finish."

Scooby actually complied and held his balls, taking Yogi's words all too literally. All of the other consolers likewise did the same. Yogi continued, ignoring the display.

"Anyway. When you go to sleep tonight, think of all the people that ever said anything nice to you. All the people who ever loved you and every cared enough to take you in and realize that you are stuck here in this place, with us...for an entire year. I will not lie, some of you may actually die during this, and then some of you may not. It all depends on one thing and one thing only-"

Yogi looked up towards the sky.

"The Big Man in the Sky."

Yogi laughed as he looked over the semi shocked faces of the campers and consolers alike, Calamity and Roadie, who were already thinking these thoughts about never seeing home again, only felt worse as Yogi's speech drove this thought further and further into their minds. Sylvester Junior hung his head in shame, for the first time realizing everything that he ever did and how great his father was. Yogi however only continued to laugh and smile.

It came to a point where Calamity, Roadie and Sylvester Junior simply walked out of the dining hall and towards their respective cabins.

"Hey Junior" Calamity said as they walked towards the cabin, "Wanna hang out sometime? We can go out on the lake tomorrow or something."

Junior looked up in thought, "Gee, I don't know. I'm not a big fan of water."

Roadie smiled encouragingly, "Come on Sly Guy" he said, "You won't know until you try. I'll see about getting Mister Charlie and your Dad on board. How does that sound?"

The thought of Sylvester actually spending time with him made Junior smile from ear to ear.

"Okay" Junior replied, "Do you think we could ask some of the others, some of the humans' maybe?"

Roadie and Calamity answered this without hesitation, "Of course" they said in unison.

Then all three of them went into their cabins, walking away with the beginning of a friendship and a greater understanding of one another.

Ten minutes later, Sylvester, Iago, Muttley and Donald walked out the dining hall. Donald laughed as he looked at Sylvester and Iago.

"It's funny" Donald began, "Not but two days ago you guys were at each other throats. Hell, we all were at each other's throats."

Iago laughed in agreement, "I know. What happened?"

Sylvester shrugged and gave the best answer he could.

"You're probably goanna think this is stupid" Sylvester began, "but I'd like to think its instinct. We're not bad people we just make bad choices. I think when the kids came along something in our brains clicked."

Sylvester and the others made their way around the lake, Sylvester continued.

"Our instinct, be it parental or animal or even human, took over. We took this job because we were forced to, we hated it. I think once the kids came in we realized that not only were we stuck here, but that we had to do it. We swallowed what little pride we had and all collectively put on a big S on our chests."

Sylvester stopped in front of his cabin, Iago sat on his shoulder, "You guys probably wouldn't understand."

Iago shook his head, "No man" he said, "I understand and personally you're right. It is the kids. If they weren't here, to remind us of what we're doing, why I'm pretty sure we'd still be killing each other."

Muttley nodded in agreement, "Makes sense to me. The only problem is Scooby and Yogi. What are we goanna do about them?"

Donald shrugged, "I don't know" he replied, "But we have to think of something. This can't go on."

Sylvester, upon hearing this, remembered his phone call from earlier, a large grin appeared on his face.

"Guys...I think I have an idea. You remember that phone call I took?"

All of them nodded as they leaned in,

"I called Mickey and Oswald. I even went all the way to the top! To Jones, Barbara and Iger. They've agreed to take them on in exchange for Elmer."

Muttley raised his eyebrows in suspicion, "How does getting rid of Elmer change anything?" Muttley asked, "We'd still have Yogi and Scooby to worry about."

Sylvester nodded, "Wait a minute now, you're getting ahead of me. Elmer doesn't do shit right? So if we can get some actual management around here, maybe we can get this camp off the ground. Maybe we can get Scooby and Yogi to rehabilitate."

Iago turned towards Sylvester, "And if they don't rehabilitate?" he asked, confused in the event.

"We run em out of camp" Sylvester answered, "It's as simple as that."

With this in mind, the group headed to their respective cabins to get some much needed sleep. It would take a day and a half for Mickey and Oswald to arrive from Florida, so for the time being they were on their own in their own slice of Hell on Earth.


End file.
